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Here are some things that I feel a strong want for.

1. Wide calf boots

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Riding boots such as these from Simply Be, specifically. I had good luck with their super curvy boots last year, and I’m hoping the curvy plus width will be even better. I have 19″ calves, so even “wide calf” boots don’t usually fit me.

 

2. A real corset

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I’m going to a renaissance faire next month, and I need a corset to complete my outfit. Also, I lost my only piece of shapewear (your guess is as good as mine on that one), and corsets are the best shapewear anyway. The one above is from Orchard Corset. I don’t recommend buying a corset from Corset-story/uk/deal, etc., because the bones they use are not good for corsets. Corsets need to have spring steel all the way around, except for right beside the grommets in the back. My corset from corset story had weird flat bones with holes in them all the way around.

 

3. A longline bra

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Be still my heart…

Have you ever seen a more breathtaking photo? Lordamercy.

That right there is a Curvy Kate longline bra. It looks just like my favorite Fleurty, but better. Longline bras are just so sexy with their vintage flair. And that garter belt! Couldn’t you just die?

 

4. Scarlet Pumpkin body cream

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Wanna hear a scary story? Come children, gather ’round then.

There once was a girl who who loved pumpkin scented lotion. She waited every year for the fall scents at Bath and Body Works. One year, they had travel size bottles of something called Wicked Spiced Pumpkin. It was love at first sniff. If heaven didn’t smell like this, then she would be very disappointed. She bought all of the little bottles she could afford, and used them every day. Fast forward a year later, and her supply was running woefully low. She heard of a scent called Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin, and thought it would be the answer to her prayers for a full size Wicked Spiced Pumpkin, but alas! It smelled of apples! Friggin apples! The next year she heard of a scent called Scarlet Pumpkin. She sped off to the mall, old stinky tube of body cream in hand, to see if her dreams of a full size pumpkin scented body cream would be fulfilled. And it was! Scarlet Pumpkin was glorious! Perfect! Paint her blue and call her babe, this was it! She fairly floated to the register to make her exchange, where the salesgirl told her that it must be an even exchange. Then she died.

We hope you have enjoyed tonight’s performance of When You Consider Prostituting Yourself For Pumpkin Lotion, It’s Time To Reevaluate Your Life at the Bethany Dinner Theater. Please join us next month for our rendition of My Shoes Are A Half Size Too Big-I Wanna Die!

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